In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
