I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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