Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
