Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
