im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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