I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
