I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
