I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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