Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
