My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
