I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
