The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
