Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Semen is not good for contacts.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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