Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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