How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
