I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
