I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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