I am in a vortex of obligation.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
