she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
