1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
