I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
