I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
