At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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