Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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