my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
