How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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