You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
