I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
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