I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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