there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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