So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
