Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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