Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
