and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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