she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
that is very illegal...i love you.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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