Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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