It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
