Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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