I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
birth control should be required to get into college
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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