He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
