Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
