I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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