Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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