Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
