When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I wish i was in the wii world.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
