After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
