it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
