Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
