It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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