turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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